I ask because I had an interesting conversation today with my boss (VP & General Counsel for my Company), and our head of HR. It seems someone has complained to HR about “[my] appearance.” This wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened at a place where I work.

Now I’m in management, so there’s a certain amount of decorum and professionalism that’s expected from me and all my peers. We’re supposed to toe the Company’s beliefs and philosophies, while at the same time trying to get as much productivity out of our employees and remain ever mindful of the bottom line and our expenses. Especially expenses, because my group brings in absolutely no revenue, but is never-the-less an important part of the Company. I say this because it’s important to understand something: I wear a suit & tie to work, except on Casual Fridays when I wear slacks & a golf shirt.

I allow my employees to dress casually, and that’s perfectly accepted by the Company’s culture. My physical security folks have to wear a uniform, but then again they’re contractors.

So I was called into the head of HR’s office this afternoon, and joining me was my boss.

When they told me they had received a complaint about me, naturally I asked what it was about.

It seems one of my employees could see the outline of my penis in my pants fabric during a meeting and felt it inappropriate for the workplace.

This prompted a rather defensive and interesting debate let me tell you. The head of our HR is a woman, and I’ve got to tell you I couldn’t have felt more embarrassed followed quickly by a touch of anger at what was happening.

I wasn’t being accused of sexual harassment (although I was told the complaint was bordeline).

I wasn’t even being accused of being aroused either (which I could at least understand … albeit slightly.)

No, I was being accused of unconsciously allowing the outline of a natural part of my body to become visible through my pants.

It’s not like I’m not aware of my penis 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Heaven forbid I was sexually aroused, the person who complained (I don’t know for sure who it was but I have an idea) would have probably called the cops.

So I might have put a few nails in my coffin, but I couldn’t help but inform HR lady that I wished to lob a complaint myself, but unlike what she was doing I was willing to grant the accuser the decency of facing her accused.

She said it would be inappropriate for me to file a complaint against one of my employees since this process had now started, so you should have seen the look on her face when I told her it wasn’t against any of my employees.

“So who’s it against?” she asked.

“You.”

My boss kind of got a bit agitated, but I was trying to prove a point (and I think I did as you’ll find out).

So, when she asked me what my complaint against her was, I told her it was about her breasts. That as a gay man, I was offended by them, and her overtly displays of feminism.

She’s not blonde, but she’s quite buxomed. Not like I really thought about her breasts much before today’s meeting mind you.

So when she told me that they were a part of her body, I earnestly reminded her that we were meeting today about someone’s complaint about a part of my body, too. I also pointed out to her that she had an option to get breast reduction surgery, whereas I have no options.

I then asked my boss if I had ever made him uncomfortable, and he told me no. I think he was being honest.

I asked HR lady if I had ever made her uncomfortable, and she said no.

I also stood up and asked either one of them if they could see anything (thank the Gods I wore loose fitting pants today!) and HR lady said no. You should have seen the look on her face though when I pressed my pants into my thigh and DID show them the outline.

I told ‘em both if they want to fire me, then fire me, but there’s nothing I can do more than what I’ve already done, and asked them both that if they want to pursue this further that this sounds to me like it would be discrimination.

I’m not going to go into specifics as to why I think might have lodged a complaint. I think I know who it was, but it really doesn’t matter. This person has made it clear to me they do not approve of my religion, my political persuasion, or my lifestyle. Too bad for this person because I could care less what they think, and I try to be objective enough not to let personal feelings interfere with professional obligations.

So what do you think? What would you have done in this situation?

Pax,

Mike